Writing #1

Disability and Difficult Attitudes

by Jody Courtney

This essay won first place in a contest, sponsored by www.difficultpeople.org in the summer of '05. I received $400.

I was born with a disability, so I have dealt with difficult people all my life. Through all my dealing with these thousands of people I have learned one thing. When dealing with difficult people keeping one’s sanity takes effort and focus. This is my story of how I keep my sanity (well, for the most part) when dealing with difficult people.

My disability (cerebral palsy) affects my speech, vision, and motor skills. I also must use a power wheelchair because I wasn’t able to learn to walk. Despite all of these limitations, I find dealing with people is one of the most frustrating things about living with a disability. Many come in contact with difficult people within the workplace, the family, or in one’s network of acquaintances. Not me, the most frustrating people I come in contact with are strangers.

It is not that I believe most people are difficult; it is just their misconceptions and attitudes of people with disabilities are difficult. Dealing with stares, receiving unwanted pity, being treated as a child, and having elected officials misunderstand disability issues are very draining.

As a child through my early twenties I used denial and overcompensation to deal with these situations. During my elementary school experience, I was pushed by a teacher to be the best student that I could be. She taught that I had to work hard in order to prove that I was as good as anyone -- even the students without disabilities. I came to believe that it was my responsibility to change the attitudes that people had toward me. As you will read later, this belief had to change for the sake of my own well-being.

I wanted to disprove the perception that people with disabilities -- especially those with speech impairments -- were slow, friendless, and had no lives. (It’s funny that even as a small child I knew people had misconceptions about me.) I spent hours upon hours doing homework to keep up with the other (normal) students. Being the best was my mission. I had to have the top grades. I had to be number one in everything. I also had to be the best buddy to everyone. I had to be outgoing, funny, and involved in every organization possible. I lived this way even after my college years. I really thought if I was a good enough person, the staring would stop and society would see me just like any other person.

I would always deny the hurt I felt when I was stared at as I shopped at the mall. I would deny the anger that I felt when a teacher questioned the wisdom of placing me in his/her classroom. I would deny the embarrassment I felt when waitresses would ask my non-disabled friends what I wanted to order. I would deny my feelings countless of time in order to press onward in my mission of trying to eliminate the difficult attitudes of people. My thinking was that people would think better of me if they thought I had it all together, which meant “never letting them see me sweat.”

I had failed to realize that living to change people is no way to live. After years of trying to change the difficult perceptions of society, I emotionally hit rock bottom. It took me awhile to understand what led me to my depression: I was so obsessed with changing the difficult attitudes I faced that I didn’t realize I had bought into the idea that I was somehow inferior to others. If I could change society’s perception of me, then it would mean I wouldn’t have any reason to feel inferior. I learned it wasn’t people who were driving me nuts, it was myself.

It is taking time, but I am learning to accept the God-given value I received when I was born. I am a wonderful woman, even with my physical disability. I don’t need to use overcompensation and denial to feel good about who I am. The more I truly wrap this way of thinking around my mind, the less of a need I have to change the difficult attitudes found within non understanding and prejudice. It doesn’t matter if the common Joe sees me as a child and then underestimates me. Of course, it would be my hope that if he meets me, he will gain disability awareness and see me in a different light. However, I don’t feel the responsibility anymore to “open his eyes” to the fact that people with disabilities are more than their limitations.

Am I going to continue doing disability advocacy to ensure that Americans with disabilities are included in society. You bet I will! However, my motivation has changed. I don’t need to educate and advocate to prove my worth or to seek approval from others. I want to educate and advocate because I do have worth, and I can make a difference.

What about you? Are you trying to change a difficult attitude in society? Are you doing it because it is the right thing to do or do you need to do it for self-acceptance? Take it from me, changing society isn’t the way to your worth. You will still be you, even if you can’t make EVERYONE understand your worth.

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